Road Literature 101: Hooters and Humps

I just got back from a most excellent road trip to Utah and Idaho where I was able to reconnect with dear friends, family, visit with my wonderful children, AND get my hands on my youngest grandbaby, Hannah. Is she not the cutest thing you've seen in a long time? You've really gotta check out BJ and Kimberly's blog for more pictures--this one just doesn't do her justice!

Here she is with her proud Mommy and Daddy:

And here is gorgeous Megan with a decidedly different hairdo (yes, Annike, I told her that it's too dark--but the red highlights are really pretty)

ANYWAY, I was lucky enough to make most of the trip by air, thanks to American Express and Delta Skymiles, so I only traveled by car between Salt Lake City and Rexburg--a distance of about 270 miles or so.

As I headed down the highway with Canned Heat playing at the threshold of pain, I found myself thinking about all those looooong road trips by car when my children were small. We traveled a lot and with four kids, a car is usually the cheapest way to get there.

It's amazing what you can learn on a long drive with children. For example, I learned that although a screaming toddler can be kept quiet in his carseat all the way from San Diego to Palm Springs by simply feeding him one raisin at a time for the entire 2 1/2 hour trip, the next several days produce a rather spectacular series of diaper changes best handled in hazzmat gear, goggles, and industrial strength rubber gloves.

I learned that bringing massive quantities of crayons for my budding artists sounded like a great idea, but you'd be amazed at what they do to a rental car's upholstery when forgotten on the vinyl seats in New York City summer heat. Trust me, take colored pencils.

My brother in law, Russell, learned that when his niece says she is feeling carsick after a late night visit to McDonald's, DO NOT tell her to "wait until the next exit" or you'll spend a significant amount of time trying to clean the barf out of a brand new Ford Bronco.

I learned that after offering the older children drinks over ice, at least ONE of them (to this day I'm not sure who, but I'd bet money his name starts with Bry and ends with an) will put an ice cube down the baby's shirt while she's buckled securely in her carseat. She didn't cry, but the look on her face in my rear view mirror forced me to pull off the road since I was laughing so hard I couldn't see to drive.

And I also learned that trying to cram a large economy size package of "nappies" (diapers) into the trunk of a tiny British rental car during a three week tour of England, Scotland, and Wales is an excellent incentive to finally toilet train the three year old they were purchased for.

But aside from the things you learn from your children, you'd be amazed at what you can learn from the things you see as you gaze out the windows of the car. On a Christmas holiday trip to Maryland, we discovered that although it might be politically incorrect to wish the world a "Merry Christmas," it's perfectly acceptable to include big boobs in your holiday greeting.

If the image is too small, let me just point out that the marquee sign between the fake palm trees proclaims "Happy Hooterdays."

We also observed during a trip to Cheddar, England, that the cows there might prefer munching on babies rather than grass????

This particular sign was spotted just outside the entrance to the London Dungeon (note the creepy "snowman" on the wall). This is, of course, a "G" rated blog, but I must say that one could interpret the bottom sign in a couple of ways--either English pelicans have wonderful sex lives or perhaps they resemble....camels?????

And I had to include this one for the Hogwarts lovers among us. Apparently there really IS a platform 9 3/4--can't remember if this is Victoria or Paddington Station, but somebody there has a sense of humor....Harry Potter would be pleased....

And finally, we spotted this one in Rexburg, Idaho, at the entrance to a doctor's office complex. I have not the smallest idea what the hell they're talking about--any ideas?

Anyway, you just can't deny the educational benefits of travel. And just remember this, no matter how excruciating those annual pilgrimages to Wally World can get, just be thankful you aren't in the photo at the top of this page. That's my grandmother, Ruth Hardy, traveling in Arizona in 1917. No crayons, no nappies, no McDonald's, no AIR CONDITIONING.

How ever did they manage!?